Note: I consider this site’s content advisory page sufficient for non-fiction posts, but as I need asexuals to read this essay, I’ll begin by saying that I reference sexual attraction, sex acts, sex repulsion and sexualisation. And romance! I also cite common examples of sex negativity/sex-negative language, misogyny, ableism, cissexism, heterosexism, amatonormativity and allo-aro antagonism.
I now seldom participate in–and even actively avoid–online general aromantic and a-spec spaces.
This isn’t because I don’t wish to meet other aros. This isn’t because I’m uninterested in what other aros have to say. This also isn’t entirely because chronic pain limits my online interaction and I can’t afford the supports/technology needed for full access (although this is the reason why I fail in replying to comments and asks).
This is because any space predominantly occupied by asexuals results in my being exposed to posts that hurt like a punch to the gut.
Continue reading “How to Ally: Advising for Sex-Negative Language”
How (Not) to Ally is a series discussing the supportive content made by well-meaning asexual allies to allo-aros–and why some approaches still fail to recognise, promote, welcome, protect and include us.
It’s now not uncommon to see alloromantic allies asking questions about how best to write (or not write) aro characters. It’s also not uncommon, in response to open questions or in discussing a-spec and/or aro representation, to see not-allosexual aros and alloromantic asexuals reference allo-aros in their answers. Writers should include and depict a diversity of aros in their works, so we do need our asexual kin to remember us!
Unfortunately, most discussions argue that good allo-aro representation encompasses the following:
- Sex occurring in the context of close, intimate, “serious” relationships or partnerships
- Emphasis on monogamy or exclusivity
- Idealised, non-harmful depictions of sexual relationships
- Emphasis on possession of meaningful, intimate bonds with other people
- Capacity and desire for friendship and emotional intimacy
- Emphasis on ability to love and experiencing love for others
- Focusing on non-sexual thoughts and experiences
- Avoidance of sexualisation
- Emphasis on healthiness and “wholeness”
When I look upon such lists, all I know is this: they do not include me.
Continue reading “How (Not) to Ally: The Good and Bad of Allo-Aro Rep”
Many a-specs have a tendency to regard gains in general aromantic inclusion as sufficient for allo-aros, and it’s true to say that decreased antagonism or amatonormativity benefits all aromantics.
Yet allo-aros endure the a-spec and aromantic communities’ ignorance of allo-aro erasure. We endure the unspoken assumption that there’s a clean division between our sexual attraction and our aromanticism, that our allosexuality is best pushed to the side. We endure the belief that there isn’t a problem in how the a-spec community centres asexuality or contextualises allo-aros as either a shape of asexuality or adjacent to it.
When we are told in ways implicit and explicit that our allosexuality doesn’t belong in a-spec spaces, our first fight is to be. How do we create a culture that allows allo-aros to exist without fear of erasure? How do we gain acceptance enough that we too can see our shared home as a shelter and a sanctuary?
Consider this my attempt to create the safety we need with a list of ways any a-spec or aromantic community can become more inclusive of and welcoming to allosexual aromantics.
Continue reading “Community Inclusion for Allo-Aros: A Guide”