How to Ally: Advising for Sex-Negative Language

Handdrawn illustration of a yellow pasture against a background of hills and sparodic trees. Scene is overlaid with the dark green/light green/white/yellow/gold stripes of the allo-aro pride flag. The text Aro Worlds Discussion Post sits across the image in a black, antique handdrawn type, separated by two ornate Victorian-style black dividers.

July 9, 2021July 2, 2021 ~ K. A. ~ Leave a comment

Note: I consider this site’s content advisory page sufficient for non-fiction posts, but as I need asexuals to read this essay, I’ll begin by saying that I reference sexual attraction, sex acts, sex repulsion and sexualisation. And romance! I also cite common examples of sex negativity/sex-negative language, misogyny, ableism, cissexism, heterosexism, amatonormativity and allo-aro antagonism.

I now seldom participate in–and even actively avoid–online general aromantic and a-spec spaces.

This isn’t because I don’t wish to meet other aros. This isn’t because I’m uninterested in what other aros have to say. This also isn’t entirely because chronic pain limits my online interaction and I can’t afford the supports/technology needed for full access (although this is the reason why I fail in replying to comments and asks).

This is because any space predominantly occupied by asexuals results in my being exposed to posts that hurt like a punch to the gut.

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Book Edition: Love in the House of the Ravens

Cartoon-style illustration of shrubs, roses and grasses growing against a grey stone wall. Scene is overlaid with the dark green/light green/white/yellow/gold stripes of the allo-aro pride flag. The text Marchverse sits across the image in a white, fantasy-style type.

June 25, 2021June 20, 2021 ~ K. A. ~ Leave a comment

Cover image for Love in the House of the Ravens by K. A. Cook. Cover shows a wooden bed set against a stone wall, with filmy curtains draped over the wall and bed. A translucent room divider is set off to the side, with a chest and boxes visible through it. The subtitle "a marchverse short story" is written in white handdrawn type. Title and author text is written in brown handdrawn type.

After seven years in Rajad, Darius has fallen out of love with the unattainable and avoided falling in love with the companionate. If he lives at arm’s length from passion, isn’t that better than risking the abuse his fellow mercenaries so eagerly deliver to an autistic who can’t quite fit in? But when the right person suggests a romantic relationship, “yes” still won’t grace his tongue, and Darius hasn’t the least idea why. He likes Harlow. Shouldn’t he want to love her?

The only thing he can do is turn to his old friends and rescuers, the Ravens. They have an answer if he can stumble his way through asking the question … but it may upend every truth Darius thinks he knows about himself.

Love in the House of the Ravens is a story about what it means to be aromantic and autistic when the world isn’t accepting of either.

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Pride Month Patch Patterns: (Not Aro) Queer Text

Six digitally-created versions of cross stitch pride patches, arranged in two rows of three, against a background of a textured partially-translucent aromantic pride flag. Text between the two rows reads Aro Pride Patches in black type. Patches include a rectangular patch in aroflux zigzag stripes, an idemromantic heart, an aro flag text patch reading "aro", a square in quoiromantic stripes, an arrow design in allo-aro colours and a second arrow in nebularomantic colours.

June 18, 2021July 28, 2021 ~ K. A. ~ Leave a comment

I thought I’d continue the Pride Month theme by expanding my library of patterns to encompass non-aromantic identities. Alas, this isn’t a fully-inclusive collection! Many identities require letters not yet designed, as I’ve completed only one of my patch pattern alphabets. While today’s patterns do use some new or modified letters, time constraints meant that I chose identities with simpler-for-me names.

Four cross stitch patches sitting on top of a collection of various flag, arrow and heart pride patches. All feature the word "pride" sewn in the colours of the transgender (navy background with blue/white/pink border), rainbow (white background with white border), allo-aro (purple background with mottled pink/grey/mauve border) and nebularomantic (mint background with darker mint border) pride flags. Each letter is outlined in backstitch and every patch is finished with a buttonhole stitch edging.

Additional queer, polysexual, asexual and bisexual text patch patterns–along with a lower-case alphabet that can be adapted to any horizontal, five-striped pride flag–are available at my patch pattern gallery. Folks wishing “genderfluid” or “omnisexual” patches can use this alphabet to create their own patterns by following my tutorial. I also have several aromantic-spectrum text patterns, many of which can be adapted for asexual spectrum identities.

Folks who need help with materials, stitching, finishing or attaching patches should check out last week’s pride text tutorial and my tutorial master page.

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Pride Month Patch Tutorial: Pride Text

June 11, 2021June 4, 2021 ~ K. A. ~ Leave a comment

Last June, I broadened my tutorial series with heart patches that suit a range of LGBTQIA+ and queer identities. This year, I thought I’d continue this (short) tradition by going literal: three, four, five, six, seven and ten-stripe text pride patches that say … well, pride!

Four finished and one incomplete cross stitch patches sitting on a blue microfibre blanket. All feature the word "pride" sewn in the colours of the transgender (navy background with blue/white/pink border), rainbow (white background with white border), allo-aro (purple background with mottled pink/grey/mauve border), nebularomantic (mint background with darker mint border) and cross apothiromantic (yellow background, raw aida showing at the edges) pride flags. Each letter is outlined in backstitch and every patch but the apothoiromantic one is finished with a buttonhole stitch edging.

You’ll need familiarity with cross stitch (full crosses and fractional stitches) and backstitch to make unedged patches, along with a buttonhole/closed blanket stitch to make the edged patches shown above. The first instalment of this patch tutorial series demonstrates cross and blanket/buttonhole stitch, while the second covers backstitch.

For additional information on the stitching process for text patches, please see part one of this miniseries. Beginners should also read last year’s tutorial for an overview of materials, finishes, treatments and fabric/edging modifications.

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Fiction: Luck of the Ball, Part Three

Banner for Nine Laws: Allosexual Aromantic Fairy Tales. Image features a tree in the foreground, lanterns hanging from its branches, against a background of heavily-overgrown grey stone walls and archways leading into smaller courtyards. Vines and ivy cover the walls, archways and steps; an array of grasses grow around the bases of trees and walls. Text is set in a white, slightly-curving serif type; white curlicues matching the text, set in each corner, form a broken frame around the text.

June 8, 2021May 31, 2021 ~ K. A. ~ Leave a comment

A coven of gentlewoman witches seems like the perfect place for Luck Vaunted to hide from hir powerful brother, father and husband. Even better, the upcoming Guildmeet ball offers the new Luck the perfect chance to experiment with genderlessness, magic and sex, if only ze can avoid more sorcery-revealing accidents. Sure, the witches welcome hir with open arms, but after hir twin’s betrayal, how can ze risk trusting anyone but hirself?

When hir brother attends the Guildmeet, a lover expects romantic intimacy and a quest of boots threatens to reveal hir deceit, Luck can no longer outrun hir monsters. Hir only chance of escape: the Westhold coven. But how does ze ask, when ze has lied to them, too?

Some fairy-tale families are formed by blood or marriage. Others are formed by aromantic witches defending each other against respectability, amatonormativity … and the sorcerer potentate’s heir.

Luck listed every disreputable possibility, a litany birthed of desire and envy, on a scrap of paper nestled inside hir corset.

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Embroidery Kit Makeover: Nebularo Rainbow

Handdrawn illustration of a green meadow foreground with green pine trees growing against various green-hued mountain ridgelines. Scene is overlaid with the dark green/light green/white/grey/black stripes of the aromantic pride flag. The text Aro Worlds Crafts sits across the image in a black, antique handdrawn type, separated by two ornate Victorian-style black dividers.

May 18, 2021May 18, 2021 ~ K. A. ~ Leave a comment

Between chronic pain and familial goings-on, I haven’t had the time or spoons I need for writing. I do have a little something to show off, however: another aromanticised embroidery kit!

(“Aromanticised” is a word, I swear.)

K-Mart’s rainbow-themed embroidery kit all but demands a queer makeover. I mean … rainbow, right? After pondering a wealth of options, I chose the nebularomantic flag because the printed design accommodates a seven stripe flag without my repeating colours or making major modifications.

A bamboo embroidery hoop sitting on a blue microfibre blanket. The hoop is filled with cream cloth featuring a rainbow comprising seven separated layers. The centre/innermost layer is a cobalt satin stitched oval, followed by two satin stitched arches in medium and bright blue (each bigger than the previous). A centre arch comprised of circles edged in back stitch is sewn in white, followed by two more satin stitched arches in pink and pink-red. The final/uppermost layer, shaped like an arch surrounding the rainbow, is formed of long clusters of stitches like a sunburst. All colours used in the piece are from the nebularomantic flag.

My satin stitch is improving! I am not good at starting and finishing stitches in the same place, but the odd instances of poking-out stitches don’t much distract from the finished design. The main problem is that unneven maroon-coloured “starburst-style” cluster (a few stitches sewn together) on the left-hand side of the rainbow. When sewing the red-pink stripe, distracted by TV, I pulled a section of my stitches taut against the fabric. This tugged the fabric above that section out of place. Tension is a demanding mistress, but I will learn to respect her!

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How (Not) to Ally: The Good and Bad of Allo-Aro Rep

April 6, 2021June 24, 2021 ~ K. A. ~ Leave a comment

How (Not) to Ally is a series discussing the supportive content made by well-meaning asexual allies to allo-aros–and why some approaches still fail to recognise, promote, welcome, protect and include us.

It’s now not uncommon to see alloromantic allies asking questions about how best to write (or not write) aro characters. It’s also not uncommon, in response to open questions or in discussing a-spec and/or aro representation, to see not-allosexual aros and alloromantic asexuals reference allo-aros in their answers. Writers should include and depict a diversity of aros in their works, so we do need our asexual kin to remember us!

Unfortunately, most discussions argue that good allo-aro representation encompasses the following:

Sex occurring in the context of close, intimate, “serious” relationships or partnerships
Emphasis on monogamy or exclusivity
Idealised, non-harmful depictions of sexual relationships
Emphasis on possession of meaningful, intimate bonds with other people
Capacity and desire for friendship and emotional intimacy
Emphasis on ability to love and experiencing love for others
Focusing on non-sexual thoughts and experiences
Avoidance of sexualisation
Emphasis on healthiness and “wholeness”

When I look upon such lists, all I know is this: they do not include me.

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Fiction: Luck of the Ball, Part Two

February 28, 2021May 29, 2021 ~ K. A. ~ Leave a comment

One must possess a sense of self to flee entrapment by expectation.

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Fiction: Luck of the Ball, Part One

February 27, 2021May 29, 2021 ~ K. A. ~ Leave a comment

Luck tries to cultivate a persona of general obliviousness and genial curiosity, but ze awaits the day hir questions result in four intelligent witches wondering why ze doesn’t know the obvious.

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Pride Patch Tutorial: Aromantic Alphabet

February 22, 2021June 6, 2021 ~ K. A. ~ Leave a comment

Aro Week feels like a good time to debut part four in my text patch miniseries: patterns for an A-Z alphabet of five-stripe lower-case letters for use in creating custom cross-stitched text patches and other needlecraft projects. Are you craving a patch reading “aromantic” in pride colours? What about “lithromantic”, “quoiflux” or “requiesromantic”? Or “no romo” or “fuck amatonormativity”?

These patterns will let you stitch the word or letters of your choosing in the colours of any horizontal five or ten striped flag design. Every letter also fits inside my A is for Aro frame patch pattern, allowing even more identities to display a pride-themed initial!

You’ll need familiarity with cross stitch (full crosses) and backstitch to make unedged patches, along with a buttonhole/closed blanket stitch to make the edged patches shown above. The first instalment of this patch tutorial series demonstrates cross and blanket/buttonhole stitch, while the second covers backstitch.

For a complete guide to the stitching process for text patches, please see part one of this miniseries, where I’ve posted step-by-step instructions for stitching text. All patterns in this series can be similarly modified in terms of letter spacing, adding/subtracting quarter stitches and layout.

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